Great Listeners have Great connection

Strategy # 4 - Listen Three Times as Much with Purpose
Finding Joint Rhythm and Harmony
“Great Listeners have Great Connection”

Here I am turning fifty-eight and I still feel I can get better in building the kind of relationships I desire. And while I’ve heard over the years how important listening is to the relationship building process, today, more than ever, I’ve come to learn how true that is.

I remember one day attending the National Speakers’ Association conference in Atlanta, Georgia. Think about it: 2,000 professional speakers and everyone running around speaking…but who was there to listen? Kind of makes you laugh, doesn’t it?

Then, all of a sudden, it came to me…listening with purpose, if better understood, and better utilized could help to reap more of the rewards we all look for.

Let’s take a few moments to define purposeful listening. Purposeful listening is listening with your five senses (smell, touch, taste, hearing, and sight), and with your heart, mind, and soul. Through purposeful listening, you make good contact with the other, and the other truly feels heard. Through listening, you may give a person an opportunity to work through an issue he or she is struggling with, or hear an experience he or she wants to tell you about. Or, you listen to hear how you might partner on a project together, finding a way to become more useful and resourceful to him or her. Who would ever think that becoming a great listener is a way of being useful and resourceful to others?

Let us take you back a few years to grade school. Remember the three R’s? Wasn’t it reading, writing, and arithmetic? When do you last recall hearing of anybody taking a listening course in the early formative years of our education? In fact, how many listening courses do they offer in high school or even at the college level now? You probably won’t be able to find many. Maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll find a course offered in a continuing educational forum at one of your local colleges.

Yet, the power of all knowledge and the power that’s available to build the relationships we desire are in our increased and dramatically improved ability to listen with purpose to what people are saying, and most of all, discover what they really mean.

Your ability to listen to the needs of others is one of the most important relationship skills. It’s often been said that we have two ears and one mouth and that we should listen proportionally. If you agree with this basic concept, and if you are willing to take your listening efforts to the next level, listen three times as much with purpose.
When Does Failure to Listen Occur?

Failure to listen occurs whenever the receiver “tunes out” the sender of the message before receiving the entire message. One instance is when you disagree with some part of what is being said; you listen to the point of disagreement, and begin formulating your response in your head rather than continuing to listen.

This is the old habit of listening to only what you want to hear and failing to listen to the rest of the message. As a result, the message is misunderstood and not heard.



When we find ourselves not listening to others it’s often a product of being bored, tired, hurried, or a dozen of other reasons that we come up with. Who cares what the reason is? The fact is, we assume we hear. In any event, we are not purposeful in our listening efforts. To become a more purposeful listener, we first commit to listening, assuring that we indeed did hear the words that the person expressed. We then ask questions and put into our own words to clarify that we understand what the other person is saying. The light bulb pretty quickly goes on when we find that we have truly heard and truly do understand another. This kind of listening helps reveal deeper feelings and needs.

Let’s continue to look at developing listening skills.



Development of Listening Skills

When we listen with purpose, we profoundly transform ordinary conversation to deeper dialogue where we are better able to create together.

The attentive listening process encompasses skills that strengthen our ability to choose language and use inquiry to assist in encouraging the other to speak openly.

Here is an example of listening three times as much on the way to finding joint rhythm and harmony:

Shortly after John, a financial planner had attended a workshop on listening three times as much, he met Mark at a business conference. Over lunch they learned that they had similar backgrounds in accounting and financial planning. John, in banking, and Mark in manufacturing. Further, they learned they were both interested in starting their own businesses. John was excited by the meeting and that same week emailed Mark to tell him he had several ideas about joint ventures and was eager to explore possibilities with Mark.

John and Mark met on Friday at a quiet coffee house. They barely sat down with their coffees in hand when the following transpired between them:

Mark: John, I hear your excitement, and while I’m also excited, I need to slow down this process. While I’m open to leaving the security of my position, I need to be very careful that I also pay attention to the financial needs of my family.

John: Mark, tell me more and then I’ll share my situation as well.

(This helps create a pause and is the first stage of purposeful listening. John has established that he has heard Mark, and encourages Mark to share more. It also creates a sense of mutuality and safety in that Mark is assured that John will share his situation.)

Mark: I have been with my organization for ten years, and it supports my wife and three kids, our monthly mortgage, and car payment. On the other hand, I strongly believe that there’s a better life in the possibility of owning my own business.

John: It sounds like you’d like to leave your organization but the benefits and compensation are pretty important to you at this point in time. Is that correct?

(This demonstrates purposeful listening whereby John puts into his own words what he is hearing, and asks for Mark to respond yes or no. Overall, it helps to encourage Mark to go forward. This demonstrates the second stage of purposeful listening.)

Mark: Yes, I don’t want to mislead you that I am able to take a financial risk at this point.

John: Thanks, Mark. We’re both in our mid 30’s and I, too, am raising a family. A financial base is important to me also.

(This exchange continues the second stage of purposeful listening and clarifies the issue that is most important to Mark. It also demonstrates that they indeed do have a common base—if not, John might reply that he is at a point where he can take a bigger risk, and that they may not share this fundamental common ground at this point. There may be other avenues also that are possible to explore at this point. What is key here is that they both understand the issue that is central.)

Mark: That’s a relief, John. From our conversation the other day, I knew we had complementary skills, but I wasn’t sure that we had a shared view around the financial security piece.

John: I also like knowing that any partner I have feels a similar commitment to financial security. If, in our exploration, we keep the financial security as a must, do you feel we could continue to brainstorm possibilities?

(This is the final stage of listening three times as much—Mark is now given the opportunity to state any final concerns and/or agree to go forward.)

Mark: Absolutely and frankly, I’m relieved. I’ve been wanting to go out on my own for some time but the financial piece has always prevented me from exploring any further. If we agree that we pay attention to minimal financial risk, I think we can begin the brainstorming you mentioned.

John: I agree! Let’s begin and, hopefully, we can continue to be as candid as you just were.

(At this point John reinforces that this listening process is important to their continued success in communication. Mark and John have set the foundation for purposeful listening, finding joint rhythm and harmony. If they continue this process, they will be able to work together toward creating something profound together, and address key issues and concerns as they go forward.)

Listen Three Times as Much

Personally pause and commit to purposeful listening.
Ask questions and put into your own words, clarifying that you understand the other’s intention.
Respond final understanding by once again using your own words and asking “is this it?” When the individual indicates “yes, you’ve heard me,” you have completed the final stage of listening three times as much with purpose. If you haven’t already established where you are as it pertains to the topic at hand, you now ask the individual if this is a good time for them to hear your thinking and feelings on the matter. You have just modeled the process so most will have little trouble listening to you as well.
Once there is common understanding, you have achieved joint rhythm and harmony, and are ready to move on in the communication process.

Your ability to listen attentively to others is the beginning of finding harmony and joint rhythm toward this connection. Trust is a fantastic byproduct. We are more inclined to trust others when they truly hear us, and the opposite is also true.

Summary
The successful implementation of this strategy is based on understanding the importance of purposeful listening. Through the listening process, we, you and I, find our rhythm and our harmony together. Listening three times as much provides the following opportunities: you get more from the interaction, you affirm the person or persons you are listening to, your understanding of the message is greatly enhanced, and you lay the foundation for increased cooperation and collaboration.


Thinking Point for Connecting forward
Is there someone you are currently experiencing a disconnect with? How might listening help you better understand and reconnect with this person?